Isn’t this pic a whole mood?!
Following my previous post, you can read that I kinda hit a wall in my walk with God. Things weren’t going my way and I was beginning to question everything.
I wasn’t feeling healed.
I wasn’t feeling brand-new.
I wasn’t feeling what I expected to feel.
I still felt rejected, I still felt shame, I still felt low. So I fasted, eager to hear from God.
When I began fasting, I was like whew, this is about to be a long process, but on day one, God gave me everything I needed to hear.
The first thing He asked me was whether I really trusted Him. Course I thought I did, but when I really deeped it, I didn’t. Had I really felt like God loved me, like He had good plans for me, like He had forgiven me and would work out everything for my good, then I wouldn’t be feeling so..hopeless. I wouldn’t be trying to take all the broken pieces of my life and be forcefully trying to make something beautiful. I’d let things be, I’d seek him, I’d relax, and I’d be content with my portion.
I wouldn’t be so disappointed when things didn’t go my way! So then I began to really question my faith. Do I really believe what I claim to believe? Is Jesus really real? Does God even exist? Is He hearing my prayers? Does He really care? Can He really change my life?
If I believe in a Saviour who can take my bad and use it for his good then I shouldn’t worry in this life. I should be living a life of peace and joy, waiting for the next move of God and being obedient to Him, but I wasn’t.
And I believe God was showing me that I didn’t trust or believe in Him as much as I thought I did.
When I analysed this, it was true. I’m such a control freak. I looooove to manipulate things so outcomes are what I desire. Yes, I’ll bless situations with prayer, but often, I’m comfortable, because I know that if God doesn’t show up, I will. I’m so self-sufficient. That hinders God working in my life massively! It’s false faith.
But then God, lol, in his loving way, brought me to a place where I actually couldn’t do anything about anything anymore. I was left with no option but to confront my faith and trust in Him.
I had to make a decision to either try and control everything and be the director of my life, making my peers my audience (how stressful and depressing), or, I can sit back, trust and seek Him, allowing him to have all things added unto me.
You could say that that should be easy, but when you have a child, and a whole life to worry about, when you don’t know what the next year will hold, or how things can go, you’d be anxious too!! It’s so tempting to say, nah God, I’ve got this, I want this lifestyle, and I want to make it happen - by force lol, but, the truth is, I don’t have this! and I never will.
I have to trust God’s will. I have to trust Him. I have to trust his ways - even if I don’t understand. Even if I don’t hear Him. Even when I feel ignored. Even when my faith shakes.
So, I’m letting go. I’m letting go of controlling things. Of seeking Him, but never really truly surrendering it all. I’m gonna pursue Him and trust Him with all my heart. And I know that He’s not a man that He should lie! I know that everything will work out for my good!