I guess this is more of a personal post.
Its 9:42 pm and after a long battle Cairo is finally snoring in his cot.
As I lay in bed and reflect on my day and this season of my life, I can't help but burst with gratitude towards God.
I think when most people see me, or what I post, they assume I am reeeeally close to God, like I must hear Him all the time or something. That's far from the case. Sometimes I feel lost, I have doubts, fears and most times I question whether I'm doing the right thing, I too feel really far from God at times and struggle to hear Him.
It's taken a lot for me to have faith, more so because my life has not gone the way I planned, I guess many of us could say that faith is a hard thing to have, especially in these times.
But this season, I've really started to see the fruits of everything I've been labouring for. It's not just the growth of 'the m word', I'm grateful, but to be honest, even if I had an audience of one, I would keep going, purely because everything I post helps me more than those who read it lol.
When I had Cairo, I had no idea what life had in store. If you asked me what the next six months of my life would have looked like, I would tell you that I didn’t know. I was literally taking it a day at a time. In my head though, I resigned myself to living a second class life. It sounds so stupid, but I let the condemnation of others make me believe that I would always be a step behind in everything and would never be used by God in any way ever again. I was ready to be unhappy forever and made being miserable my dwelling place.
So to look up and see that my life and Cairo's life is making an impact globally floors me. I get so many DMs from women all over the world and it honestly just blows my mind how God works. I'm reminded of the lyric in "See A Victory by Elevation Worship" - You took what the enemy meant for evil, you turn it for good (Genesis 50:20). To see God using what broke me into pieces, to help women and the lives of others gives me so much joy. His ways are not my ways, but honestly, I'm grateful for everything that has happened. Both the good and the bad. God knew just how to shake me up and get my attention (or my heart).
Beyond that though, if I'm being very honest with you, being a single mother was something I was incredibly embarrassed by, I had so many feelings of regret and I constantly wished things were done differently. But finally, I've reached a place where I am actually grateful that things are the way they are. I'm a proud single mother and I am so grateful for every hard day, for every trial, for every pit, for the times when I couldn't even pray without crying for hours on end.
I'll tell you why. This journey I have been on has taken being humiliated, being broken, being rebuked, being alone and being rejected. It's also taken character, guts, grace, courage, boldness, longsuffering, patience, faith, strength, mercy, more grace, tears, anguish, hope and more. Most of all though, it's taken walking with Jesus. Through having Cairo I have walked closer and closer with Jesus, it was the only way I knew how to survive or I probably would have lost my mind.
I could never understand why certain things happened, but, in my limited understanding, upon reflecting I guess that's why I had Cairo - so some spiritual things (along with common sense) could be birthed in me. God knew I needed Cai and this whole experience.
Before I had Cairo, I thought I had it all together, but I was lacking in so much. I was immature, I was playing church, I had no sense of self-worth, I didn't know who I was in Christ, I was shallow and I was also smug.
I still don't have it all together, to be honest, I am incredibly flawed, but I look at myself in the mirror and I am no longer ashamed with the woman I see. I'm proud of her. I'm so happy with the woman God is moulding me into. I needed to be broken down into nothing so that this Millicent could rise up. She is everything I've wanted to be growing up.
And I actually cry whilst writing this because for a long time I hated myself, not in a horrible way lol, I was just never happy with myself, I always put pressure on myself to better myself in so many ways, I could always read more, pray more, lose more weight, save more, work harder, look better the list goes on...trust me. So to be at a place where I am content with myself, my life and also content with my relationship with God is so freeing. It's been a prayer of mine for a long time - just to be genuinely happy.
So I'm grateful that through it all, God has carried me and Cairo and brought me to this place.
I have so much peace about the future, I can't explain it but I just know God will work out everything for my good and Cairo's good. I look at the days to come with joy and an expectant heart.
So I'm grateful to the One who carried me when I couldn't carry myself.
The One who was my friend when I had nobody.
The One who encouraged me when all forsook me.
The One who continually graces me and gives me mercy when I'm so undeserving.
The One who is faithful to me even when I'm not faithful to Him.
The One who never did and never will give up on me.
The One who has an amazing future and destiny planned for Cairo and me.
I'm just grateful.
Grateful for everything that's happened and everything that will happen.
To anyone who is reading and in a painful season of their life. I have been there. Hold on. I know it's hard but do. Fight with everything that's in you and hold on. Don't look to the left or to the right, look up. Don't listen to what anybody says. Hold onto Jesus, He has a tight hold on you, no sin, no mistake, nothing, absolutely nothing can ever make Him let go of you. So please, have faith even when it hurts to believe.
All things, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing and the painful, will work out for your good and His glory, I promise, and most importantly, God promises. He never breaks His promises.
In the silence, I choose to believe You're working in the waiting, oh yes Though the future isn't clear to me, no I trust you anyway
Every breath I breathe, an invitation To believe you are creating Something good Though this season doesn't tell my story I know you'll move mountains for me You're just that good
[I'll Give Thanks - Housefires ft Kirby Kaple]
Romans 8:28, holding onto this promise forever <3.
- millicent x