Yesterday my good friend “Nancy” called me. I hadn’t spoken to her in ages! She’d gone AWOL. Nancy struggles with anxiety and depression and I guess she was having an episode. Nancy literally cut herself off from everyone, and as she was updating me on what had been happening, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself.

Not in a rude way. But Nancy reminds me of myself, and I just laugh at how although I’m older, God uses her to tell me about myself lol. See the weeks prior, I’d been pretty low too. Motherhood is a hella lot and this year has also been a lot for me. Sometimes you get so good at carrying your life, you’re like hey this isn’t too bad! Then one day you’re like gosh, this is a lot to carry! I’m tired. The funny thing about life is that experiences can quickly blur our vision. Nancy was explaining to me how she had been disappointed by church people.

She felt as if their love for her was superficial and simply to fulfil a duty. Understandable. Church folk are interesting lol. Sometimes you love them, and other times you want to slap the salvation out of their souls. But I’ll touch on that later lol.

Nancy, like me, has been through a lot, and sometimes, when you’re overwhelmed or low, you feel like the safest thing to do is isolate yourself. Partly because you feel like you are only person you can trust, and who else would genuinely care to hear about your burdens? Let alone share them. When life gets overwhelming, I have the same habit, I will disappear off the face of the earth and self-soothe. As Nancy was telling me why she disappeared, and why she planned on leaving church, I had to be like sis, c’mon - you have come way too far to stop now!

I quickly reminded her about how she was looking at life right now - In this moment, and was making huge decisions based off an analysis of her emotions (I meeeaaan, can you really trust your emotions??) which are skewed anyway. She was literally making huge decisions to cut off people, cut off God because of her experience this past few months, and perhaps because of her experience this year. I had been disappointed this year too. People had disappointed me too, and I was also ready to give up on church, people and God.

But as she was talking, it dawned on me. How am I finna give up on God because of a hard few months or a hard year?

Look at the bigger picture. Look at how far you have grown and how far God has brought you. How he has sustained you through every moment, since you have been created. In the times you needed Him and in the times you ignored Him, He has never let us go. We are still breathing, we can still do life.

Yes, you may be struggling…Yes, you’re not where you want to be, but do not give up on people, most importantly don’t give up on Him because of a difficult season.

God is faithful. And when you look at the bigger picture you’ll see how far you’ve come, despite the valley you’re in. Sometimes, we want, well I want, to see proper progress in my life. I want things to happen now. I want change now - if it doesn’t happen, I’m so disappointed because I had such an expectation. I look at people’s lives and like gosh Lord, you’re doing it for them, when will you make it happen for me?

But that’s not how our God works, and that’s what He’s been teaching me as of late.

Salvation is instant. But the rest of your walk with God is a journey. A walk, a process.

God has a good plan for us. For me, and for you. And if you seek Him and surrender to Him, He will work that plan out in your life. Right on time, things will happen when they’re meant to happen, the way they’re meant to happen. You just have to let go of the way you expect things to happen, and often, what you expect to happen, and you have to seek Him first.

I had so many expectations when I had Cairo. I thought motherhood would be this way, things would go this way, and when it didn’t, almost like a spoiled child, I stropped, and tucked myself in the corner, isolating myself from everyone including God.

I was so frustrated, because life wasn’t going the way I expected it to go. Funny init? How we sign up to a life directed by God, and then get upset when He doesn’t go by our script.

I remember, I even fasted (which is huge, cos chileee, if you know me, you know I loves me some food). That’s how you know I was desperate lol. I was like God, this is not what I expected. I’ve suffered enough, when are you going to heal my heart? Things are still hard, when are you going to show up? Is this the good plan you had for me? Like really?

And then in His funny way God reminded me, like I had to remind Nancy, that nothing just happens.

God has our whole solar system in the palm of his hand. He has my universe, my world, your world, your everything, my everything in his hand. And like a good Father loves his baby, just like I love Cairo, he intends to never let go. He will do what He feels is best for you, always, if you let Him.

God had to remind me that He is a good God, not a nice God. And I cannot confuse the two. Things working out for your good might mean, things are hard right now, you may not have what you want right now, but this might be your season to grow, to learn and to mature. Sometimes God will hide himself more deeply and sometimes, he will take people out of your life, so you can learn to search for him more aggressively without distractions. He’s a good God. Not a nice one. I’d rather a good parent, not a nice one, wouldn’t you? You’d grow and develop into the person you are meant to be, although tough, although you feel like you lose battles, with discipline, you’d be sharpened into such a warrior.

Whereas the nice parent gives you what you want, when you want and you end up a spoiled Christian - impatient, undisciplined and immature. That’s what I was telling Nancy. Yes its hard, but don’t get it twisted, salvation may be instant, but there are some giants you will have to master conquering throughout your journey with Him.

What’s changed is your status and strength, and alllllllll the weapons you have access to! Regardless of that though you will still have to wake up and decide to fight everyday. It does not come automatically. Nor will your emotions allow you to fight always. It’s a battle, but a good God will build you, he will equip you through the valleys of life into a soldier that may lose some battles, but ultimately will win the war. So look at the big picture.

God was telling me that yes, things are not what I expected, but, they’re what He expected. He’s all knowing. If I let go of the control freak I am, and just press into Him, day by day, little by little, he will make my life beautiful. And yours too.

So thats my mood for 2020. I’m not going to put my hopes in people, or myself. Because human beings fail, that’s their nature. Nobody can get it right always. But I will put my hope, and all my expectations into a good God, who will ensure that day by day, little by little, although I may lose some battles, he takes every loss and uses it to mould and shape me into a sharper soldier - who will win the war, because His Son did at the cross!

I’ve had “It Is So” by Elevation Worship on repeat all month and some the lyrics just summarise this post perfectly.

“There is a promise That points beyond my failure There is a still voice To silence all my fears

Even the worst of my mistakes Are miracles in the making…

In every season Your purpose is unchanging In every moment You’re working for my good

Jesus the Rock that never fails Your kingdom will not be shaken

In the storm, You are peace And Your love won’t let me go You have spoken And I know that it is so

Oh I know, yes I know I already know you’re gonna do itCause faith will suit you, ah ’Cause faith will show you, ah, Lord..

Your word is settled in heaven It will be done Father, let it be done

I know this was long lol, but hey! Here’s to a better 2020, because we are focusing on Him and not ourselves, or our situations.